While we wait

When I was a little girl my favorite thing to do was play Barbies or baby dolls.

I had a few dolls and a few barbies. I could spend the whole day playing with them. I used my imagination to make their lives. How many kids they had. They had husbands and beautiful houses. They had a happy life.

Taking aside a part of my life that I said I was never getting married because men were stupid I always dreamed with that life in mind. Getting married, having kids, a nice house and a happy life.

If you asked me at any point of my life what my dreams were the answer would always be go to an exchange program in the USA, get married and have kids. Those were the dreams and those were the goals.

I had some parallel dreams where those couldn’t happen, but I was building my life to eventually get there. Exchange, wedding, kids.

When I was in High School I wanted to get into a state university and I always imagined that I was going to fall in love in college, go for an exchange program during that time, finish college and get married. By the age of 22 my life would be settled, maybe have a kid at 25, another one when I was 28 and maybe one more at 32.

If this is strange to you let me explain something about myself. I lived in my imagination a lot. I lived seeking where I wanted to be more than living where I was.

I didn’t enjoy my reality so planning a better future always seemed cooler.

If you know me at all you already know that all of that didn’t work out very well for me.

Besides getting into the state college everything else took more time.

My real life Ken and Barbie story wasn’t as easy as I imagined.

I think because I watched too many movies and read too many novels from a young age I had this idea that getting married is when your happy ending begins. And I wanted that. I wanted a happy ending.

I wanted to do it right though. With God.

Someone that I could build a good marriage with. I was afraid of getting my heart broken and I was afraid of getting into a relationship that would cause me pain for the rest of my life. So I had those dreams, but I would not put myself out there for a relationship. I think I had the idea that God would simply send me the right guy at the right time. Even though I had a right time set in my mind. I was trying to make my right time be God’s right time.

I wanted it so bad, but at the same time I was so afraid of liking someone. That would make me vulnerable to more hurt. And I felt I was hurt enough.

For many years I would lock people out of my life.

And the years passed by and the guy that I was waiting God to send me was not showing up. I was waiting and in my head I was doing all the right things. Why was it working for everyone else but me?

I questioned if I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, Christian enough. Why the guys didn’t like me? It was easier to put the problems in other people’s accounts. I questioned God. I asked Him over and over why He couldn’t just give me what I wanted. Why other girls would get so easily and I didn’t?

People around me wouldn’t help either. Always asking about boyfriends that I didn’t have. Asking what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just find someone. I would ask myself, God and blame me.

I must not be pretty, I must have a too difficult personality, I must be too tall, I must be too stubborn, what I am asking is too much.

I resented God for a while.

I am searching You God, why can’t you just do it? You have the power don’t you?

And I was with that for a bunch of things in my life. The exchange program is another example, but today I am going to focus on my love life.

For so many years I focused in where I wanted to be and not where I was I stayed unsatisfied for too long. I let where I wanted to be be my identity instead of knowing who I was already.

When I was younger I used to think I was just waiting for the right guy or the right time. And then the years passed by and it looked more out of my control. When I decided it was the right age to date it didn’t happen. And then time was passing. More of nothing.

It felt like I was waiting for something that it couldn’t happen. So it was just a useless wait. I felt I was being punished in the waiting. I wanted to be a mom and a wife, but if there was no guy there was no future like that. Back to that past and looking with my future eyes I know one of my mistakes was to build my personality in idealistic life and not in who I was in God. I was not looking myself with God’s eyes. I thought I would have value when I got there. That’s not who I was or who God wanted me to be.

In the process of waiting I read a bunch of successful stories and heard a bunch of testimonies of how things worked out in God’s timing for so many girls. I thought It was beautiful, but at some point I got sick of that. Beautiful and all, but it wouldn’t happen to me. In my head my clock was ticking and I was 22 and never had a boyfriend, never kissed anybody, never have even fallen in love. And then, at that time frustrated with my life God spoke to me.

It was loud and clear He said: “Until you understand that I am enough I am not giving what you want. You don’t need anything else, but me. However, you don’t understand that. You are waiting on something else to be happy instead of finding joy in me now.” Ouch, so on point. So loud and so clear. What He said was so true for so many things that were happening on my life. There was always a when. I will be happy when I get married, when I go to the USA, when my family gets all saved. All idols in my heart that God needed to break down. That’s when I learned that it was possible to want good things with the wrong motivations.

Marriage is a good thing. My trip to the USA was a good thing. Having my family saved was a good thing. The reason why I wanted all those things weren’t good though. God had to show me that. It was a great time in my spiritual life. I had to let go of so many ideas of what I thought was good and right. God needed to be enough because He was. I sought Him and understanding who He was. I sought His presence so I could be content in the mist of everything. I wasn’t seeking God to get what I wanted. I was seeking God for who He was for the first time in a very long time. Exchange or no exchange. Marriage or no marriage. Life getting better or not getting better. God was good. And then for awhile I felt like God and I were best buddies. I was flying. And then, then I fell in love. Not more with God unfortunately. With a guy. Great Carol, wasn’t that what you wanted? I thought it was and for the very first moments it fell nice and good. However, it wasn’t God’s time or person.

I was always very prideful and I thought I had my life under my control. I always thought I would fall in love once with a good christian guy and he would be my first boyfriend. We would get married and everything would be beautiful. HA!

I could never relate to girls that were suffering for guys that clearly were not good for them. Until I was one of them. I had so many rules to not fall in love, to not get attached. I thought I was so good that I didn’t see that nothing had happen until then because of God’s grace. I thought I was intact on heartbreak because I was good at restraining myself. Looking back now I want to slap myself in the face of how arrogant I was. And I am really sorry to all the girls I made fun of for falling in love with not the right guy or moment. You guys needed love, but I didn’t know better.

Anyways, I fell in love with someone that wasn’t in love with me. Even though he seemed he was. He led me on and played too many games and right cards. I spent months and months talking to someone that would say all the nice things, go to church, but didn’t want to really be with me. I don’t want to get to the details of the story because it’s not necessary. I want to focus in the work God did on me. It was painful to like somebody that gave me glimpses of “love" and I felt trapped. I tried to get out, but I kept being pulled back so many times. We never had a real relationship or even kissed. It was an emotional attachment that I couldn’t get out. He would pull me back and I would let him. I felt so ashamed of falling in love with someone that was clearly not right for me that I didn’t want to ask for help.

He would say things and do the complete opposite of those things. He liked me, but he couldn’t commit with me. He wanted things that I couldn’t be or do. I was in love, but I knew what God wanted for me. I just had a hard time getting out. I prayed and I prayed my way out. Heartbreak happened in the craziest way possible. Seriously, it was like a Mexican soap opera drama. It was a really hard time, I felt rejected, ugly, I lost friends, I felt hopeless and I didn’t trust anybody anymore. What a struggle. I felt that I was finally out of my shell and then I had to run back to it to not even peak out anymore. Dreams and expectations were broken.

And then, that was that. Maybe God didn’t really want me to find someone. Going through something like that made me feel hopeless. That was the beginning of one of the most hard years I had in life. Heartbreak, disappointment, break off trust in people, my mom almost died. It was too much and then in that year God answered another prayer. It was time to finally go. For so long I planned my life trying to manage life so the things I wanted would happen. I wanted to get married young and have kids young. It wasn’t happening. I always thought that if I came to the Au Pair program I would go back to Brazil too old and nobody would want to marry me. And then I didn’t care anymore. I know now that God had greater things for me. However, I spent too much time trying to be someone that somebody else would want and not who God wanted me to be.

When all that happened God set me free to come to the USA. It’s Carol’s and God’s time. Finally! On my end, not God’s. I wasn’t planing to fall in love or to get married. I was planing on having fun. Traveling. Being in all the scenarios I dreamed of for a very long time. Time to enjoy. And going back to Brazil I would figure it out.

And after a month in the USA, boom, I met Chris.

I would like to say that here is when the story gets easy, but it doesn’t. I had so much to find out about myself and I didn’t even know. My plan was to tell our story like a novel with the chapters like he looked at me and I felt like this. I still have that in storage, but God put this story in my heart that is more important to be spoken about. The waiting.

Here was I. At the age of 25. In the USA. Coming out of a crappy year. Never had a boyfriend. Never even kissed. Last time I tried that it went so bad that wow.

I walk down to this church and there is this guy, short, long hair and he looked kind of dirty who made a bunch of mean jokes about me and Brazil. Barely, I knew then.

Chris was very insistent when we first met. He was around in every hang out and I felt kind of cornered. I was too broken and I didn’t trust guys. I constantly repeated to him that I knew the game and I was not interested in playing. It took me a couple of months to kind of like him.

And when we both like each other everything was easy right? No, not at all.

I think I prayed to have a romance like the books and I had the happy ending in mind, but forgot the drama the came before. Chris and I had a lot to solve with God before we could be together. However, we were stubborn and we wanted to make it happen in our own time and ways. Girl, let me tell you. It was crazy.

So that’s why I wanted to talk about waiting. I read on this book the other day that sometimes when we have to wait for something we feel like we are being punished or we are stuck there and we need to be rescued and saved. However, the waiting can be an active place of working and knowing God.

I know there are a bunch of girls over there waiting for the Prince Charming or romance or whatever. We were raised watching movies and reading stories that when the guy showed up the life of the girl was saved. Maybe bringing to our own reality we grew up in a family that had problems and we dreamed about raising our own family and making it right. Maybe we grew up not feeling loved and we wanted to feel that way. Maybe we grew up seeking validation to feel pretty whatever the case might be. We started seeking in people things that could only be found in God.

I thank God because He didn’t let me get into a relationship before I figured some of these things out by myself. Chris (or any guy) didn’t need to save me. Jesus already did.

What I want to say today is let’s change our perspective in our wait. Let’s get to know God and ourselves before we try to fill ourselves with somebody else.

Living life trying to find someone or maybe you are not the girl who wants to marry, but wants an awesome job, or I don’t know whatever wish that you think that will make you happy when you get there. I want to talk about some truths God taught me.

While we wait

Like I said before, I spent a huge part of my life waiting to get married and one of the things I learned about myself was that I was building my identity on my desires and dreams. Not consciously, but very real I used to think that until I was a wife or a mom I was not accomplishing God’s mission for my life. Which is insane. We need to remind ourselves that before we are someones girlfriend, wife, mom, friend, daughter, we are God’s daughter and God doesn’t stop His work in us and through us while we wait. There are some things that can only be learned in the waiting. In the waiting if we allow God to we learn who we are in light of God not in light of somebody else. Or in light of a job. You are not your job or you position. You are God’s loved daughter.

I learned that I was validating myself in what other people thought of me. If the guy I liked thought I was pretty I was pretty if he didn’t like me I wasn’t pretty no more. If I felt loved I was loved. If I got what I wanted I was good if not I was not good anymore. It is a pretty miserable and challenging life letting others define who we are. We don’t consciously think that, but have you ever been rejected? Or called ugly? Or any other thing? Did you let that sink into you? Me for example I had a hard time accepting compliments, but if anyone said something bad that would sink into my brain. For many years I put in my brain that I was not good looking and had problems with weight because what people would say to me. Until this day I struggle with stuff like that. And the reason is that I wasn’t building my identity in who God says I am. I wanted to fit into what other people wanted me to be.

We need to stop thinking that we are who we want to be. My life really got brighter when I started to enjoy what God had for me at the moment instead of daydreaming with what will happen. Dreaming and having goals is great. Don’t take me wrong, but that cannot be your life’s breath. It cannot be who you are. Do you want to be a mom? A doctor? Great! Just remember you don’t only start living when you get there. God has a plan for the process you have right now.

Let’s think about Joseph’s story in the Bible, before he got a great position in the Egyptian government he was sold by his brothers, he went to prison being innocent. Imagine if Joseph decided to stop honoring God because he wasn’t where he wanted to be. Before Joseph got to the place that he literally dreamed of there was a lot of waiting.

Another thing I’ve learned about myself while waiting is that no man can save us. Rationally I know we know that. If you grew up at church like I did you know that only Jesus saves, but have you ever wondered to have someone to love you and raise a family like if that would solve all your problems?

The idea that when we have our own families we would make everything right and be happy? We want to be loved. I want to tell you that only God can fill us with all that we need. We are not missing a guy or a husband. Our hearts long for the Father. We messed that up thinking that we need someone to complete us. Marriage is great and it can be a blessing if our hearts are filled with God. However, we need to let go of the idea that marriage will rescue us or someone else has to make us happy. Our joy must be found in God. Jesus is the savior and He is the rescue. I know that in a daily basis this is hard, but our dreams and desires need to be looked in the light of the cross. Why do you want what you want? What is motivating you? Are you seeking the kingdom of God before anything else?

I’ve learned to enjoy being single. I’ve learned that there is much joy and freedom. I am not married yet so I don’t want to touch basis on that, but there is so much you can do in your singleness to worship God. You are not in prison while you wait. You are exactly where God wants you to be. What really helped me while waiting for my dreams was to ask Him how I could be more useful to his kingdom right now. That’s one of the reasons I started the blog. I wanted to talk about God’s work in me and maybe help someone have a different perspective of what there were going through.

I’ve learned to not accept glimpses of love just because I didn’t want to be alone. It’s hard to feel rejected, to feel alone, to feel left out, it’s hard when most of your friends are couples and you are a single, but I am telling you it is going to be much harder if you give your heart away to someone that is not committed to the Lord and to love you in light of Jesus. And so many times we do that. We let ourselves be treated with little love or little care. We get into abusive relationships because we want to feel loved and we don’t want to be alone. However, God who is rich in love, mercy and grace loves us so much that we don’t need to settle down to be poorly treated. We don’t need to try to help God find someone that is not kind of right. When we feel truly loved by God the person who He will give to us can be a blessing and not our love fountain. Because human beings will fail and if we let them be our love thermometers we will sink.

I’ve learned about me. What I like and don’t like when I am not trying to please anyone. I am not saying that you cannot do stuff because the other person likes. You totally should. It’s just I was trying for many times to like or be things to please others, not God or me. I’ve learned it was okay to like what I liked if it was not dishonoring God.

I’ve learned that I couldn’t love someone else thinking about what was good for me and focusing in me, me and me. I’ve learned that to love someone I had to let go of my ideas and humble up to be open to someone’s else ideas.

And you know what else is funny? I am still learning. Surprisingly I’ve learned that the process doesn’t stop when you get the yes. I’ve seen this when I finally came to the USA. I’ve been learning this while I date Chris and I am pretty sure I will keep learning that in marriage and so on.

The first month I was in a relationship I felt like, oh crap, I wanted this for so long and now I am scared. What do I do? That’s when God starts another process.

I bet I forgot a bunch of other things that I learned. However, that’s what God put in my heart for today. I want to finish reminding you that God didn’t forget you and you are not being punished because you didn’t get to where you want to be yet. God is working and you can too. Change the self pity glasses to God’s glasses. Change your perspective and ask God what does He want you to do with what you have now.

And enjoy the wait, because you are not waiting alone. God is holding your hand.

PS: And because I promised this for a while here is the story of the day I first met Chris.

"September 21st 2018

I came to the Youth Service that Katherine invited me to. The church is not what I am used too, but people here are very friendly. I wait for Katherine to get down of the stage because even though I don’t know her that well she is the only person I know.

She introduced me to a bunch of people like we were best friends and I play along.

When there’s only a few people on the sanctuary she introduces me to two guys.

They both look very American. They tell me their names and instantly forget. One of them is probably the same height as me and he has long hair. He is wearing a cap and I would describe him like an Australian surfer. As the four of us go out talking, the surfer is strongly staring at me which I ignore.

Katherine insists with me to go downstairs because they are serving food at the church fellowship hall whatever this is. I go downstairs with her because I am desperate to make friends even though I didn’t like this church that much. Katherine keeps introducing me to people and I am as uncomfortable as uncomfortable can be but I smile here and there. I sit down in a table with Katherine and we start to get to know each other kind of. I don’t speak much I am still feeling the ground here and I don’t to be very open with people that I don’t know.

Suddenly the surfer comes and sits down with us. He makes me a lot of questions that I don’t elaborate a lot to answer. Again I don’t know any of this people I am not opening my life here. The surfer and Katherine start to makes jokes and laugh. I don’t laugh because I honestly don’t think the jokes are funny.

The guy tells Katherine that I am very serious. He talks about me in front of me like I am dumb or something. I guess they think I do not understand their English much. Cocky Americans.

Finally he makes a joke saying he is from Mars and because he already asked me if I speak Spanish because I am from Brazil I ask him what language they speak on Mars in a sarcastic comment. Both of the start to crack up which annoys me a lot they still think I don’t understand them. Oh wow these people. I wait for them to stop laughing and say “Guys, I got the joke I was just was adding a sarcastic comment to it.” They instantly don’t think the things are that funny anymore.

The guy asks me why I don’t smile that much and why do I look so serious. In my head I am like not your business bro but since I am looking for friends I say that this just how I am and that I don’t talk much. (Poor him when he found out that I do talk a lot.)

He keeps trying to be funny and I think he is very annoying actually, but oh well.

When we are outside the surfer and Katherine offer me a ride and honestly there is no way I am taking a ride with people I just met. They insist and I keep saying I am fine and I live very close. They give up on the offer, but Katherine insists in walking me home and I was fine with that.

October 2nd 2018

I am desperate to make friends, right? So whatever people invite me to go I am inclined to say yes and that’s what I do. Katherine invites me to some type of service in Manhattan and I want to say yes even though I don’t know what it is just for her to know I am open for a new friendship and hangout. I get to the place like an hour and a half late because of work and train.

Katherine is there and she saved a sit for me. The two guys I previously met are there too. What I can say is that it was a very out of my normal type of preaching and I was kind of shocked. However I try to play it cool because I really want friends. When the preaching is over Katherine tells me to stay because her friends is giving us a ride. I don’t know about that, but I mean it would be more than an hour on the train if I don’t accept it.

Katherine’s phone is dead and she asks me to use my phone to call her friend. Her friend name is Chris and he is the one who supposedly giving us the ride. She calls him and he doesn’t pick up. So we texted him from my phone and he says he is going to be there in a few.

The guys comes and picks up. I am praying that these are good people and they don’t kill me and throw my body on the river. They talk a lot in the car ride. The guy brought his sister with him and everyone is talking and I have no clue what it is about. I am just praying I don’t die and how crazy the preaching was. At some point someone asks me why I don’t talk much and I answer that I am just shy. Which honestly I don’t think so, I am not shy. I am just not very open until I meet people, but the guy Chris uses that moment to tease me. He says “really Carol? You shy? If you didn’t say anything we wouldn’t know.”

Ugh. Cocky american. You don’t even know me. I don’t recall much from the car ride, but this context is important.

Next day I got a text from Chris, the cocky American, saying he just got that text. And I was as confused and confused can get. My last text to him was “thank you” because he said he was coming. I ask him what text is he talking about and he sends me a screenshot saying he just got my thank you. At the moment I was like, this guy. This is worst excuse to talk to somebody ever. I play along. And we texted for a while. He invites me to prayer night at church and all. This guy. What does he want?"