After everything I’ve been through I have something to say and I hope my story can bring hope to others. Day by day I’ve been learning to enjoy the journey of who I am becoming.
I came to this season not knowing what the future would hold and there is a reason why we don’t know the future because we are made to trust and rest even in the hard times in who created us.
While in the valley or the desert and all the craziness of August I had hope that He would never leave me so I could face the unknown.
A year.
A whole year.
12 months.
365 days.
4 seasons.
8760 hours.
August 14th 2019 - The day I was supposed to head back to Brazil.
It’s been a crazy ride until this moment full of ups and downs. Much more ups than downs, for sure. A lot of surprises. So many blessings. A different Carol, but still the same.
The Carol who came to the USA a year ago had a plan. The basic idea was: travel a lot, as much as possible, go to California, do not get too much attached to anybody in America so I could have easier goodbyes, find a church I could stay for a year, have fun, see the USA, speak a lot of English and get back.
She had a few hopes too: Make a friend, watch the Patriots live at the Stadium, go to Boston and not suffer.
A year ago Carol was funny. She limited everything God could do.
I am not going to lie and say that I didn't imagine good things, I did. I just didn't imagine as good as real life was to me.
How did I change?
The person who I was a year ago was so afraid of getting lost because I was so bad with directions to the person who I am today. A person who thinks that if I don't go and maybe get lost I won't figure it out a new path.
The person who had lasagna as her favorite food and now kind of loves sushi more.
The person who hated avocado to the person who wants avocado in everything.
To the person who loved the quietness and safety of a small town to the person who loves the noisy New York City.
The person that thought she could never love the City and actually really does love the city.
The person who thought some dreams were too hard to come true to the person who lived her dreams and much more.
The person who hated light pink and now loves it.
The person who only saw life as black and white, but now understands that some things can be gray.
The person who was afraid of receiving love from unexpected places to the person who still doesn't understand, but is amazed by how much love and grace she got.
To the person that thought she could never see her family while in America and got two amazing weeks with three amazing people (four, counting Tito.)
To the person who saw flexibility as a bad thing and now understands that changing is okay.
I could quote so much more of who I was and who I became in a year. Small things to big things.
And I can still say a lot of things that stayed the same. For example, my favorites things in the world still are spending time with God, spending time with people I love, traveling, going to the movies.
However, the list a year ago would have reading in it and watching sports and TV shows which I still like, but I hardly ever do it here. I mean I read, but not as a hobby like before.
I guess a year ago Carol was so sure of how life could be that God had to turn her life upside down so she could understand how big, merciful, graceful, loving, kind and so much more God is.
Carol was so sure, so convicted but fortunately God is so good that even though she had a prideful heart and settled every part of her future God said you know what Carol, check this out. Take a look of how life can be if you give me the control of it.
It wasn't easy. However, I am so grateful.
I've been thinking about the plans that I had before coming, for example not getting attached to people. Oh man, I was so silly!!! I was trying to control how much suffering I could get. And that's so crazy because I can't imagine life without the people who God put in my life. They helped me become the person who I am today. I can't imagine how life would be if I had followed my plan and not made any connections with anybody. I am going to tell you that a huge part of my exchange program I owe to the people I've met. I mean, all the glory to God and He is the one who brought all of them to my life and having them made it so much more special.
The rest of the plan was good, but it was limited. I got the chance to do everything that I wished for and much more.
One of the things that I love hearing now is ‘You've changed”.
You know what? I hope I did. I hope I keep changing, so I can look more like Christ, so I can love people more, so I can reflect God in everything that I do.
I love when I talk back to people in Brazil and they say “Is this Carol? Are you really saying that? Wow it must be really God changing you.” And it is. I was too black and white. Zero to a hundred. And I am so glad God chose me to crush, build, transform and make as new wine.
When I look back to this year I remember when people told me I was so brave even if inside I was so scared. Today I can say that, doing with fear is just as brave anyway. However, it wasn't me or my super ability to resist it was the One who holds me. Every part of this journey I owe to Him.
When I look back to my year, it wasn't my journey in the USA. It was my journey with God. It isn't about my story, but about Him changing my story.
God has been so graceful, merciful and loving to me and I've been learning how to express that to others.
Before I came here, I prayed that this whole experience would reflect God and people would see Him and not me. And this is my prayer until today, that everyone could see Him in me.
So, I can tell you about my amazing year here and I've been telling everything about that in my every month report, but I also want to tell you about the amazing God who made everything happen.
The little girl who asked to be between the palm trees in California. The adult who wished in a Super Bowl Sunday that she could watch that team play live. The teenager that watched so many American movies and had hope to be there one day.
That Carol could never do any of those things by herself and thank goodness she didn't have to because God was with Her.
Me personally today wants to tell you not to be afraid to dream and put your dreams in God's hands. It might take a while. I didn't pray and ended up in the USA like magic. There was a process.
Enjoy the process.
Enjoy God's presence.
Enjoy the life God gave it to you.
Be humble and wait.
Smile, laugh, cry and mourn. There is a time and a season for everything.
God, thank you for giving me this amazing beautiful season.
I will never be the same and I am not who I am supposed to be still, but I want to be vulnerable so You can keep changing me.
And like Iron Man would say: "Part of the Journey is the End.”
Today is the end of my year, but surprisingly to the 2018 Carol it's not the end of her life in the USA. The Carol who was so afraid of the unknown and the Carol who saw so many miracles happen in the unknown.
To you and to me so we can never forget that He counts the hair on our heads and He loves us so much.
"It's a grace I could never add up
To be somebody You still want
But somehow
You love me as You find me”
But Your love is too good to leave me as I was.
A year.
A whole year.
12 months.
365 days.
4 seasons.
8760 hours.
A different Carol, same God.
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