I remember the Carol I was two years ago when João and Thais dropped me off at the airport. I remember the tears I dropped walking in the departure lounge by myself. I was finally on my own. The last hand I was holding just left and it would be God and me in the USA. I wanted to stop crying quickly before I got to the other girls who would fly with me. If this is what I wanted for life there was no reason to cry, was there? Well, I was going to miss my people so that was enough reason to cry. However, I felt ready. I wanted to know what this dream that I had since as long as I can remember was all about.
I was ready for my first plane ride ever. I waited for the fear to kick in. It never happened. I waited to be afraid of the plan. Or not being able to speak. I waited to be paralyzed by fear, which is a common thing to me, it never happened.
I got a window seat on the plane and I prayed nobody would sit in the middle so I would have more space. The prayer came through. I was so excited and anxious that I barely slept on the ten hour flight overnight. I barely could believe it was true in a few hours I would step into the dream. I was finally on a exchange program.
I remember seeing a football field from the window and I was trying to discern what else I could see while we were about to land. It was so exciting. I was still waiting to be paralyzed by fear, but it never happened.
I remember that the first week Carol got scared of Manhattan, but it didn’t take her long to love Brooklyn.
I remember how happy and cheerful the first year Carol was. She was just jumping upside down and floating with life. It was like she could see every miracle in bright beautiful colors. She was amazed and shocked. She felt loved by God like never before. God was still the same she just got closer to see and taste.
I wrote a lot of my changes in the first year and now the clock strikes year number two. So let’s talk about that.
Year number two was different. Normally people living abroad go through a few stages like: the Honeymoon stage (where everything is sweet and you are very happy and excited), culture shock (where you start to see the differences more clearly and it’s hard, can also be called the frustration stage), then it comes the adjustment stage (it’s when you become more comfortable with the differences), and then finally it comes the acceptance stage (this one can take years and doesn’t mean that new cultures or environments are completely understood. Rather, it signifies that complete understanding isn’t necessary to function and thrive in the new surroundings).
I think I personally had a honeymoon year. My honeymoon stage lasted a year. I was floating in happiness. Everything was colorful and bright. I barely spoke Portuguese and I loved. I traveled and I was amazed every day. I fell in love. It was just great. And then year number two struck and in God’s plan things started to change. Not everything looked as great any more. I started to miss things that I didn’t even think I liked back in Brazil. I missed my family more than the previous year. I wanted to speak Portuguese. I missed Brazilian culture. I missed hanging out with Brazilian people. I missed my first year. Culture shock. Reality shock. Heart break shock all at once, because as much as the exchange is a cool life it’s not reality and for sure doesn’t last forever. I knew that, but on the second year it felt real. I didn’t travel as much. I went to Brazil. My nephew was born and I wanted to be by family more. I still loved the USA, but there were a bunch of mixed feelings. Things that I wanted that couldn’t coexist. I missed Christmas at home and my loud family. I missed being out with my friends and Brazilian barbecues on the holidays. It was good here, but I missed there. However, with all of that on the second year and with everything God did on the first I started to look at life and myself differently. I realized more of my selfishness. I sought God more and more. I realized I was trying to please God solving a puzzle instead of surrendering my heart. Second year broke me in a different way than the first one did. First year broke me and took me by surprise. It’s the process of life and shaping. And I mean after Covid hit everything felt harder. Half of my second year has been inside of the Covid era. So I lived an inside process much bigger. I learned to listen to God better. I learned to value my roots and family better. And then I remembered that Carol. The one I started this writing with. That Carol who hoped to travel and have some fun. That Carol didn’t how many years she would grow in two. And on the second year the fear that barely hit me on the first one hit me more. However, Carol was built stronger. Her faith was built stronger. The challenges were different, but she knew she had the same God in the highs and the lows.
I saw God make a new letter on my alphabet plan this year. He is healing on things that I didn’t know it needed healing still. He gave me friends when I asked. He gave me people to hold my hand when I needed and He made me feel that it was just Him and I when that’s what I needed too. Like last year, I didn’t know what the future would bring. However, I know that I want my life to reflect the same thing I wanted last year. God. I want my life to point to the real life that is found in Christ. August 14th 2020, supposedly my last Au Pair day. Two years since I landed here. I remember that Carol and I am so thankful that God helps me see everything He has done when I remember where I was and where I am. Like in New Year’s resolutions I pray that in the next six months God keeps working in me and I get closer to Him as the years pass by in The USA, in Brazil. Or wherever I am.
New York was God’s dream for me and I couldn’t be happier for it.
Sunset Park, Brooklyn, New York will always be a place in my heart it doesn’t matter what happens next. New York City and every amazing part of it. I want to look life with the eyes New York helped me to look. Like a tourist. Amazed by the beauty and every new thing, because beauty can be found anywhere because God is everywhere. We just need to adjust our eyes and our hearts to the right source.
I can’t believe it’s been already and only two years!
Thank you New York!
Thank you God!
Whatever happens next I know I am very blessed!
Comments