California

Have you ever had a dream?

Have you ever created a story in your head before going to sleep?

Have you ever made plans?

I had, I made a lot of them.

Since I was a kid I don't remember what age exactly I wanted to come to the United States and visit the place where movies where made.

I guess as a kid I always thought that life would be better where movies are made because in the end of every movie everything works out, right?

I mean real life is hard, it gets hard. It's not always easy and it's not like a movie when after 2 hours everything turns out to be fine.

As I grew older I kept the dream. "One day" I told myself. One day it will happen.

When I was a teenager I had no money, my parents didn't have money to send me to the USA, I got frustrated. However I still believed. "One day" I told myself again.

I went to college and I started saving some money. On my third year over there my grandpa told me that maybe he could help me out with the California trip I was beyond happy. I went to agencies and I had all planned out I am going to California I told myself. For a few reasons my grandpa couldn't help me out and the exchange that year didn't happened. I told myself to stop dreaming with it, it was going to happen. I made myself give up. I decided that it was enough with this idea of living in the United Staes.

Life got harder that year. A doctor diagnosed me with Lupus and as I went through medical exams to confirm the diagnosis one of the doctors told me that I needed to talk and open up. By that time I was a really cheerful person and really stressed out too. Everyone knew the fun Carol. A Carol who never talked about her problems or what made her feel sad.

She put a front and lived as if making jokes all the time would hide what she was feeling inside. However, when the Lupus thing came out I was scared to death to be sick. So, when doctor say open up I did my best to do it. I cried and talked to everyone in my family about how miserable I was. I lost some friends. I built a stronger relationship with my brother. I built a better relationship with God. My pastor and his wife helped me out and I finally start seeing life in a different way and God close to me. In the end of the process they found out I didn't have Lupus, but man what those months taught me about trusting God. I changed and my relationship changed. I was very thankful for that trial.

Life went on. I finished college. I did an MBA. Even after all that I was lost, the person that I was when I decided to study that didn't exist anymore. I missed my hometown. So, I went back. I had no idea what I was going to do for living, but I wanted to be home.

My brother told me I should take a gap year in the USA. I told him no. I told him that it wasn't my dream anymore. It was dead. I killed it. (So dramatic, oh my goodness.)

So that year when I was really confused and I didn't know what to do I prayed for strength, for guidance, for the next step.

I built great relationships that year. Made close friends which I didn't have for a while since my Lupus thing. I decided that life is supposed to be hard with some bright sides here and there.

As I was praying for guidance I got a phone call to ask if I was interested in working as an English teacher back at my hometown town. I was lost. So the least I could do was try. It surprised me a lot to love it. I loved teaching. I loved being a teacher. I actually thought I could do it for the rest of my life.

I was really depressed on that season but there was a hope that things would get better.

And all this time I used to make a prayer that was like this: God through everything, please help me love You more than anything else in this world.

Life got harder.

One of the most challenging years of my life began.

Relationships that I valued a lot ended. I had my heart broken from people that I trusted.

I came back to my hiding spot. I was devastated. I didn't trust people anymore.

I stuck close to my brother, I trusted him.

Few months passed by and João has to leave. I still can play it in my head the day that he came to our house to say that he was not going to stay in Tupã anymore. He would have to find a new church. We didn't know where, how or when.

I remember thinking why to João God? Not to him. Please. Not him.

Life got harder.

I remember going out to drive because it used to relax me. I cried and prayed for an hour.

There was no one to trust. People have no idea of how they can make others hurt. It hurted a lot.

And I asked God, what now? He told me to trust Him.

My brother told me: Mercy, Carol.

I wanted to do God's will, but I was so hurt. I was going to obey amoung tears, but I would count on God to hold on me. And he would take care of my brother.

By this time the exchange idea didn't look so bad, I mean João was leaving. So could I for a year too. Depending where João ends up I could also ended up there.

João, Thaís and I went to an exchange agency. I was still uncertain, but maybe I could go back to this dream. I was so afraid it wouldn't work out, I was so afraid of going and suffering more. I wanted to control how much suffering I could get. Crazy right?

Life went on.

On my brother's farewell service after crying a lot I got a phone call. It's my aunt Rosângela, she never calls unless...

My mom is the hospital. They think she had a heart attack.

No, no, no, please God, no.

It was a hard month. She needed heart surgery. One of the doctors told us her heart was bad, really really bad. Maybe she wouldn't make it.

“She wouldn't make it.”

As my heart broke again. I remember telling everybody that I knew God was teaching me something. I didn't know what yet. However He was teaching us something.

I started imagining my life without my mom. I didn't want to cry all the time. So, I repeated to myself and to everyone that God was teaching me something. I sang to myself a song that reminded me all the time that God does everything perfect so I could calm down my heart.

My mom survived the surgery and the recovery was a hard process, but I didn't care she made it. Through her recovery my dad spend two weeks in the hospital too because he had health problems too. João and Thais had to travel because they were still looking for churches. At the moment that I could feel most alone God send people from everywhere. People who would help us with food, laundry, my mom to walk, take her to the doctor. Even my friends came over to help me clean the house. On my birthday that year my mom was still very weak and my dad was in the hospital.

My friends threw me a surprise party, my brother wasn't there, but he sent me a jersey through the mail on my actual birthday. A new bed came that day too. It was a gift from my mom she had bought for me before her heart attack. I was working until late that day, but when I got home Bárbara was there. She had rearranged my room and made me lasagna (my favorite food). Life was falling apart, but God was taking care of me.

And in the middle of all of that João said: Carol, don't give up now. Mom and dad will be fine. You still need to go to the US. Please, call the agency. And go.

You are not abandoning them. They will make it.

Could I go?

I prayed and after a while I called the agency and started my process.

My mom and dad recovered.

João got a few job offers from churches.

Life was setting down.

However I was still scared.

I trusted João and God. I would go. If my year went bad in America it was just one year right? God would also teach me there.

The process to come here took many more months that I planned. However, at this time that I didn't consider to stay I got to help out my brother with his moving. I had fun with him. I saw that he had found a new place. He was going to be okay. I spent time with my parents celebrating having the opportunity of having my mom for longer in my life. I traveled. I spent time with my friends. I felt loved. And when things finally worked out I wasn't going to California, but to New York City and that seemed good too anyways. I was still afraid, but not that much anymore. God would guide me through.

Right here could be a moment for me to say and then life got harder. However, if you read any of my posts before this, life got better. I got here and my relationship with God changed in such an amazing way that I try to explain with words, but words are not enough. God took care of me in every single detail. I felt His love like never before. I felt Him here. As I break down my walls I feel Him closer.

Grace, something that I never got it right. And then I got here and God showed me in so many different ways.

As I stand here in California close to the palm trees that I always dreamed about I remember my prayer: “Help me love You God more than anything.”

He was teaching me something, He is still teaching me a lot of things and He will teach me for the rest of my life. However, now I get it, I understand my process to get here. I understand my tears and I see how the mercies renewed every day and they still do and they always will.

As I look to God and I see Him with me every step of the way. In the good and in the bad.

Now I can say that I love my family, I love my friends, I love my church back in Tupã and I loved Tupã. I loved being a teacher and I loved the safety over there, but I love You God more than anything. More than my dreams and my plans. You first God. Everything else comes after. The creator, not the creation.

Man I loved “home” with all my heart, but I finally understand that home is where God is, and God is everywhere.

Hey Carol from the past, you dream came true in a much better way. You couldn't have dreamed with this. It was more that you could ask or imagine because God is like this.

And I've learned that no matter where I go or what new challenge I face I know that I am always home.