One of the biggest lessons of Quarantine to me is: It doesn't matter how much I think I have control of things I truly don't and that's a good thing.
03/15/2020
Things are getting harder because of Corona Virus, seriously. I think a week ago we were still on denial. Dealing like a hard situation, but not as hard. It's Sunday and I already know that my kids won't go to school anymore, my bosses will be working from home and I won't be able to leave the house for a while.
There was still a service to attend this Sunday, so that was a good thing. My chance to see some people before the lock down. When the service ends I have to go home, but I don't want to. I am already feeling suffocated. I decided to take a long walk before I go home. I walk from the church til 90th St in Bay Ridge. As I am walking I am listening to Highlands on the loop. I am trying to remind myself that "In the highlands and the heartache God is neither more or less inclined” "So I will praise Him on the mountain and I will praise Him when the mountain's in my way”. I pray during my walk. I remember something that Marcella told me about not really surrendering things that's why I was too anxious. So, I prayed to God that in this season that I knew things wouldn't go my way and the time was going to slip out my hands I would be in peace. On this time that all my plans would be fading away that I would see Him. That He would give me love to the world and make me focus on my mission that is to show Him to the world. I can do that from inside my house. I can show them God's peace and joy during the storm.
And at the end I said "and here it is God, the dreams and hopes that I had for the end of the exchange program. Take it and do whatever you wanna do." I was crying during my walk, but I was walking with my savior.
I told Him everything I was feeling and how hard it was for me to let go. How hard it was to let go of the future I was hoping for. In a week everything changed and I bet it will change more.
I knew the upcoming weeks would be hard and God spoke to me to not think about weeks. One day at time. New mercies every day. I told God "You go in front of me because there is no way I will be able to do this without you". I imagine God smiling at me and saying “Silly Carol you would never have to. You are the one who runs away, not me”. So coming back from my walk I set my mind with God. One day at time. Not in June, July, August or September. Today.
I came home and told my bosses my concerns for the quarantine. I think it was the first time I was this honest with them, but I needed to for my own sake. They told me they understood me and that we were going to do this together and they were open to listen to me.
Monday
I wake up and pray. "God help me today. This is a day that you made. Fill me with joy. Fill me with boldness and mostly with your love. Let me act like you. Make me enjoy work even when it's hard.”
It is a new routine and I am not going to say it wasn't a hard day, but it was definitely not as bad as I thought. It's a lot to adjust and figure it out, but I enjoyed the day.
I was studying the book of Habakkuk even before the lock down and I thought how perfect time it is to study this book. Habakkuk was going through a situation he didn't understand either, he had a lot of questions to God and He was waiting.
I started to think of the situation as a total.
What does God want to do? Why is He shaking the whole world?
That's how I see it. Actually I see it in two ways. God is shaking all of us. This is a season that everyone is losing control. It's a sad season. A season of not knowing to everyone. It is scary. God is shaking all of us. What a great moment to increase our faith this is. We have two choices, like I said on my last post run to God because He is the only one who can solve this or run away in bitterness.
I also see as God giving all of us a time to focus in what is important.
The pandemic is shaking two things that are really important to people like money and health.
It is also showing us that when we don't seek God it is not a lack of time, but a lack of priority.
I mean, you are home now, if you are not reading your bible, if you are not praying, if you are not loving your family in the moments you have all together it is a choice. It is not because life is so busy. I know we are still working from home, but being home gives you a choice.
Which one are you choosing?
Tuesday
"Hey God, You first. I need your help today to go through all of this. Help me be loving.”
The kids had a hard day today, but again not as bad day as I thought it would be.
Today I started thinking that if this quarantine lasts long enough I will waste the rest of my time here locked inside the house.
I remind myself of living today. Today, not June, July or August. Today.
I start to think about people who are losing their jobs, losing family, cancelling weddings, dreams and I pray again.
Guys, I am not comparing situations here or struggles. Each person has their own hardships, but thinking of other people helps me reflect on my own situation. I think about all the things I am grateful for and I also pray for that.
I pray that people will seek God at this time.
I pray that they will learn how to rest since the whole world has to take a break.
I start to think how some of my fears are silly because last week what mattered so much doesn't make sense this week.
I have no control of life and this time I have comfort in knowing that God has the control.
Wednesday
I wake up not feeling my best so I pray. “Hey God, can you make today an easy day? I feel so tired. Help me live through this day. Help me be loving.”
The day goes good. I had breaks today and the parents helped me a lot. They give me some good news about another thing I was praying for.
As I keep reading Habakkuk I keep meditating during the day how difficult seasons are made to drive us to repentance. The world is shaking, but God is standing. I see so much God in all of this. He is calling His children. This is the best time to seek the Father.
I pray for people that are not taking this serious. I pray that people use their time wisely.
I was doing another devotional and Psalms 34 really spoke to me in these two verses:
"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” V.4
"In my desperation I prayed, and the LORD listened; he saved me from all my troubles.” V.6
I start to think about how amazing things God will do since He is shaking all of us.
Don't get me wrong I know the situation is really sad, but in a way I am excited because this can be a moment of great revival. This is a moment we fight on our knees.
Some of us live the biggest battles at home and God is calling us to face those battles now.
I also think about how amazing is what God is doing in relationships. We are taking time to call people that we usually don't. We are taking time to really listen to our families. I could FaceTime with my nephew almost every day this week and that's awesome.
This is a time to sit down and count our blessings.
Thursday
"Another day, God. Give me your mercy and help me. Fill me with joy on this hard season. That people see in me your peace.
Honestly, this week is going much better than I thought. It is hard, but I am in peace. One day at time.
We ordered dinner and it was one of my favorite types of food.
We talked about all the things we are grateful for and we decided to make a family tradition to always finish the day with a positive thought.
Quarantine is not easy for everyone, but we are in this together.
The thought about wasting time comes back to my mind. My head starts to race again. However, I take it to God. What I am missing, what I am feeling and I try to remind myself that sometimes God needs to hold us in a hurtful situation to make us heal the right way.
One day after another, today. Not June, July or August. Today.
Friday
“God, Carol again. I need you today. It's been less than a week and I am already ready to run away. Not really, but knowing that I can't go anywhere makes me want to go everywhere. And it is Friday, This is normally my favorite day of the week. On Fridays I get to go out and be around people that see me as more than an Au Pair. Help me through this day God.”
The kids were not feeling the home-school today at all. There is a lot of fighting a lot of yelling. A lot of me breathing and counting to ten to be patient. They've been bossing me around the whole week like I was their slave and today it annoys me most. I am praying at the table for love while I am teaching them. Sometimes I have really to fight the feeling of me being just the employee that fulfills their needs and nothing else.
This is another thing God is speaking to me this season. It doesn't matter how other people see me what gives me value is my creator. He loves me and He is guiding me through this whole situation.
We also had small groups using Zoom on Friday night and the group kind of motivated me to write. I thought about how this situation is different for everyone and how God will speak to us in different ways if we allow Him to.
Maybe my battles have nothing to do with yours while you are going through this. Maybe you are not locked down at work with only four moths left on your dream, but you are also feeling like your time is being wasted or you also worry about the future. Maybe you don't have to deal with the same things I do, but I am pretty sure God is the answer for all our problems. It doesn't matter how your struggle is different from mine.
We need to remind ourselves that this is not a season to freak out. This is a season to trust. This is a season that as Christians can show the whole world where our confidence stands.
This is a season to love those in need. This is a season to love people next you. This is a season to understand that the way out this is stop being selfish. We are not only lock down for us. We are locked down because this is good for all. This is a season to think beyond us.
This is a new season for everybody and like I said before I am excited to see what God will in us do if we allow him. It is a dark season, but we know the light. Enjoy this time to show the light to the ones who live in the dark.
Saturday
I don't have to work today. Last night I felt like my body was itching from having to stay home.
I had a hard time sleeping and I kept thinking about how this situation is tricky.
When I was having breakfast parts of this text came to my mind and I knew it was time to write. I am going to need this. I am going to need reminders of this season because I know it won't last forever, but as humans we start to focus on the bad. I checked social media today and I got some news that wasn't what I was hoping for. I cried and felt powerless again. I remembered to pray “Hey God, sorry for taking longer today. I need you to help me live through this day.”
I understand that my days can be hard or good and all of them belong to God. When I ask Him to help me live through I humble myself to Him recognizing that He is the one who gives me strength to go through at all. Days off or days working. I tell Him that I depend on Him, not on me.
I don't know how you are dealing with all this, but I want to remind you that God didn't forget us. He didn't lose control. He is not surprised by what is happening. He is on the time. He loves us a lot. Discipline is love. God is here. You are not in control and keep fighting to have control will only make you tired. Surrendering control to God gives you freedom and peace to live on this season He prepared for all of us.
I want to finish with a few verses from the Bible that you should keep in mind.
“Our God is in heaven, He does whatever pleases Him.” Psalm 115:3
“O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him. God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:8
He is here and He is watching. Make a choice to trust Him.
I pray that we can live this situation like Habakkuk learned to.
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.”
Habakkuk 3:17-19
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