"On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”” Mark 2:17
I've been debating about writing something like this for a while now. I've been thinking should I write about my brokenness, should I write my flaws and sins openly? Do I put myself out there and just let people see me? For two weeks now before sitting down to write this new blogpost I've been thinking about this.
Should I write about being broken? I always tried so hard to be whole. I always tried so hard to be seen as good. How can I just break that image down? I know that the Bible says there is no one that is just, but I've tried so hard to look good for so long. (Rm 3:10)
In this past year though I've been learning that we connect more with the broken than with “the perfect ones”, we connect better with the ones who have struggles, the ones that really admit, not just pretend, that they need God. I try to be real on my blogposts and give some of what is on my mind. I also try to have discernment to not write about processes that involve more people than me.
Today I have decided to open up a little bit more of my process and how some of you may have noticed why I am happier since I've moved to Brooklyn.
I know if you are Brazilian you might think that I am happier because I moved to United States, but that's exactly the lie I want to break down.
The blogpost today is inspired on my process of course and also on the song Broken Prayers "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjfdHtOJxJc" that randomly appeared on my playlist. You can listen to it after or while you read it. If you pay attention to the lyrics you will understand how this song brought me to this moment. I might even use part of the lyrics to explain things I feel.
Okay, let's go.
Besides having a difficult temper like my mom would describe I always tried to be a good girl.
I was never very wild.
I didn't do anything too crazy.
I wouldn't drink or date many boys (or any boys.)
I didn't party.
I went to church every week a lot of times.
I used to pray and read my Bible.
I used to have good grades. The teachers used to complain about me talking too much, but they always said I was very smart.
I was a good girl.
When my grandma got sick I helped my mom to take care of her. I was 15 and changing diapers of my grandma.
I got into a good college.
The only bad grade I got in college made me cry for days and studied hard for the next tests so I could make it up.
I got a scholarship to do a MBA.
I tried to do everything I thought a good person should.
I had an awful temper because either I was angry inside or I was sad.
However, I was always trying to hide something. I didn't want people to see the real me.
I didn't want to be vulnerable, fragile or in my mind give people knowledge to get to me.
I was very often rude or mean.
I had too many walls not to be seen.
It was hard to make me talk about real stuff.
There were two Carols. The one that was seen and the one that lived in my head.
I used to think I was not loved and sometimes that I didn't deserve the life I was living.
Well, sometimes I used to think I wasn't loved because people weren't loving me that way I wanted to be loved.
I was selfish and expected people to meet my own expectations of love.
I knew God and I was afraid of him.
I was unhappy and blamed people and situations. I would never blame my heart.
In 2015 when I was in a Youth Conference and very unsatisfied with my life because I didn't have what I wanted for that time of my life I made a prayer. I prayed that I wanted God to change some people around me and to give me something that I wanted. God was loud and clear when He answered me. He said "I am not going to change these people until you change and I am not going to change the situation until you understand that my grace is enough to you. God used someone to quote 2 Corinthians 12:9 to me that until this day is my favorite verse from the Bible."But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.". On this season I made the goal of my life to learn about contentment. Since God was telling me that the circumstance wasn't the problem I decided to make commands to change my heart. I looked for change the way I knew it could happen, I looked for knowledge. I read books about being content, about being satisfied in God, I memorized the verse that says God's grace is enough. I understood I was asking God good things, but with selfish motives.
It was a good season it changed my perspective of a lot of things.
I learned that every time that I said I will be happy when this happens that was an idol in my heart. And I had a lot of them, getting married, having kids, going to the USA, the conversion of specific people in my life, having this amount of friends and well a bunch of them. I am just quoting the top ones.
I think that moment and when I had the Lupus diagnosis God was calling me to open up and go to Him. I tried to, the way I knew at that time, and I think God worked on those seasons to show things I needed to see.
Coming back to being a good girl. I knew I was a sinner, I've been to church my whole life. I've learned how to talk to God. However, part of me used to think that being okay was the way to reach God. I used to think I needed to repent before praying. I needed to go to God already clean. I needed to follow the rules. And I did. Like a good student would do I studied, I paid attention to the teacher, I would follow every christian advice that my leaders would give me. Somehow I thought that's what God wanted. Just to be clear here I am not saying you shouldn't do these things. You totally should. My problem was my motivation. I thought acting the way I was supposed to I would have the approval of the Father. I knew the only way to God was Christ, but I thought after knowing Christ I had to work hard.
My mom used to tease me saying that I was too right. Even boring. She used to tell people she wouldn't worry about me because even if I did something wrong I was the first one to call her and confess. However, what was the motivation? It was definitely not the glory of God. I thought it was, but I wanted to be good. Part of it was also fear. I was afraid of God and people so if I did everything right you couldn't find things to blame me.
I wanted to be strong and I was always giving people advice about God. I was always saying what I thought He wanted from us. I was involved at church. However, I was a lot of times mad or sad. There was something wrong with me, very easily things would take my joy away.
In 2016, when I got back to Tupã after college it was one of my saddest seasons. I let people and circumstance take my joy away. God showed me one more time how getting what I wanted was a big idol on my heart. I wanted to be loved and when I was rejected my world fell a part. I was loved by God, by friends, by family, but I let one rejection spun my world down. I was crying a lot. I lost the pleasure in doing many things because I felt worthless. It was deep and challenging. However, it drove me closer to God. I went to Him in reading and praying, but in my prayers back then I struggled a lot with the process. I wanted to be good right away. I didn't want people to see I was broken.
Looking back now I wouldn't admit to people or even to myself how broken I was. Honestly, I think it wasn't even the situation that broke me that badly. The situation only revealed what was in my heart. The fear of being rejected, not being loved, being left out.
Moving on… I am trying not to focus too much on the circumstances because I want you reader to understand that the problem was my heart.
In 2017, I struggled a lot with things that were going on around me. I repeated to myself that God was using the circumstances to work on me and I believed on that and that helped me keep pushing through the problems. I trusted God had a plan. If I was happy with the plan? Not at all. I was miserable. However, I would never ever tell that to people. They could see it, but I always tried to put my walls up and my face that everything was going to be fine we only have to trust God.
I convinced myself that suffering was God's school to shape my character and that was the only way. So, I was going to go through pain and turn out good because that was God's love and care for me. Again, I am not saying suffering is not a good school my problem was the extreme. I thought that was the only school. I thought I was faded to a life of pain. I set myself to only see the bad in things not the good God was making through all of that.
When I decided to move to the USA I honestly had in mind something like "I am going to suffer in life anyway so I can change the scenery of the suffering for a year."
I moved to the USA feeling broken. I felt in pieces. I don't know if people around me could see that, but I was broken. I live in my mind a lot and I unfortunately filled my head with a lot of bad stuff. However, because I was always trying to hide my suffering I wasn't very real with God and people, like I said before I was trying to be okay. I just didn't know before, that pretending to be okay wouldn't make me okay. "I used to try to make the bad look better. Say all the words that I was supposed to. Bow my head, say, “amen" Yeah, would do that. Make every dead end look like heaven. Like being okay was the way to reach God”.
So it is not a surprise that when I got here I had a problem accepting nice things.
It amazed me that people were being nice to me. It amazed me that a church would welcome me so well. It amazed me to feel safe and at home. Like you've been reading on my previous posts I've been very blessed and that was a struggle to me.
Guys, again I had all of that in Brazil and Brazil wasn't bad, but back then I made a choice to cultivate all the bad in my mind, so God had to take me out to learn.
I struggled with receiving good things. I remember once someone here asked me “Carol, why do you have such a hard time receiving things?”
My mind went “What a…? Who has problems receiving things? Are you insane? I don't have a problem! People have problems receiving pain. I don't have a problem receiving good things. What kind of person has problems accepting the good? This is not real. How could he say that?” This only happened in my mind. I am not sure what I answered him, but I guess it was I don't know.
However, that question haunted me. I over thought that hard. I couldn't accept that I had a problem receiving things, but if he said that, he saw something. I asked Rebeca and she said, "Carol I've been telling you this for a long time now. You have a hard time accepting that you can be loved. That good things can happen. You have a hard time understanding that you don't have to work so hard to be loved. God already loves you. People like you just because. You need to stop looking for ulterior motives. Not everyone is hiding something to catch you and hurt you later. Good things can happen.”
I remember talking to my brother and saying “John, I don't know how to deal with these situations. There is so much grace, there is so much joy. I thought the desert was the only school. Is it wrong that I am so happy?”
John told me something like “Carol, grace is also a school. And I think is an even more challenging school than pain.”
I did have a problem receiving things. (I still do, but now I am aware.) However, accepting that problem would open too many doors on me. If I had a problem with grace I wasn't doing everything right like I thought I was. I wasn't looking to the situations with the right eye.
Very recently I started reading a book about the parable of the Prodigal son. I am going to quote a part the describes a lot of me on this season.
“One of the greatest challenges of the spiritual life is to receive God's forgiveness. There is something in us humans that keeps us clinging to our sins and prevents us from letting God erase our past (…). Sometimes it even seems as though I want to prove to God that my darkness is too great to overcome. (…).
Receiving forgiveness requires a total willingness to let God be God and do all the healing, restoring, and renewing. As long as I want to do even a part myself, I end up with partial solutions, such as becoming a hired servant. As a hired servant, I can still keep my distance, still revolt, reject, strike, run away or complain about my pay. As the beloved son, I have to claim my full dignity and begin preparing myself to become like the father.” * And to do that you have to surrender everything.
I was having a hard time with grace.
I was having a hard time accepting that God was loving me even broken. Even when I was feeling unworthy and crappy. He was showing me His love in such an amazing way on so many things. I couldn't deny it, but I was struggling. I still felt broken.
Because the good girl that I created was fake. She would do all the good things, but she had all this resentment inside. I didn't deserve it. God was so good to me.
I started to look the bad things that happened to me in the past as the demonstration of His love and that love changed me. It brought me to a place of thanks giving to all the bad and hard stuff.
I started to understand that I could pray to God with my real feelings.
I could tell him "Oh God I am not enjoying this". I didn't need to make me look better. I wanted to be the best I could be to be loved and God showed me that He loved me always even when I wouldn't admit how broken I was. I write this with tears in my eyes because thinking of this love still compels me to go on my knees and thank him.
All the approval I sought my whole life was there. All the love I've looked for my whole life was there. All the fights I had on my head saying that I was not going to get there and that I would never make it because I wasn't good enough were in vain. God has done everything already and I knew this before, but I haven't really experienced.
I was afraid to show myself to God or to the world because I thought that if I was broken He wouldn't want me. God already knew who I was, He was just waiting for me. He called me with hard times, He called me in love and He called me with grace.
It took me too long to understand that I could be me.
I could like soccer and fashion. I could like reading and also be crazy singing my lungs out on the street. I was always afraid of being judged by people or hurt. I spent too many years of my life looking over my shoulder afraid of liking what I like, being who I am. I was always focused in fixing, fixing, do better, be better, know better.
I am not saying that we don't have to seek growing, but we have to seek growing because our love for God is so great that compels us to do that.
I tried to be whole by myself. I tried to be whatever everyone expected me to be. And it was exhausting and I couldn't do it.
Until God showed me that I was only a whole in Christ. All the love I was looking for was in him. He wanted me as the way I was, He doesn't leave me like that, but He wanted me. What was the point of hiding who I was? What was the point of pretending to be good? That only created a barrier between God and me.
I don't know why I was hiding the darkest parts of me if God already knew them. What it was making me distant of God was me, my fear, me hiding.
I am writing this today because this is part of my process. I was broken and God was my healing, but it wasn't until I understood how broken I was that I could be healed. We are as strong as we are honest. There is no way I can heal a problem that I pretend it doesn't exist.
I am not afraid of being judged by what I write anymore. In fact, I hope that if there is someone out there reading this that feels as broken as I did, but still trying to put everything together by your own strength. There is hope for you. There is hope for this battle. I know you are tired.
I still have a lot to overcome. If you ask people who live around me they are going to tell you I still have a hard temper. I still get very annoyed when things don't go my way. I still struggle with pride. I am still very afraid of life and people. I still get sad. Recently something happened that almost threw me on the sadness loop again, it was hard. God asked me something that I didn't want to give away and I was mad. For a while I pretended that I was not. I said "okay God it is yours and I am okay with it". Liar liar pants on fire. I wasn't happy and I still have to struggle with my old man that wants to make the bad look better.
I write this on the middle of my learning how to be honest with God. It wasn't until I started to really talk to Him about how I was really feeling that He could really heal me.
I still lie down on the floor and cry (this is not exaggeration, I am dramatic at this point) because I think my plan is better, but when I surrender that to God He speaks to me. Every time I open up and my prayers are really real I feel God speaking to me.
I am not trying to pretend I am perfect no more. I still am a rule follower, but because I love my God, not to achieve anything.
I am not hiding my bad decisions. I make them all the time and I feel so ashamed still for it that I am writing this. I want all of us to learn to go to the Father when we make mistakes not run away in embarrassment.
I fight with pride, with fear of rejection, anxiety, I want to be right all the time, I am selfish, I lie, I judge, I have impure thoughts and bro so much more, but I have a savior. What makes me different from the world is not how good I am at not being caught doing wrong things, what makes me different is my savior. The relationship with Jesus. It is me coming to Him and saying I cannot do this on my own. It's me weeping for help. He defines who I am, not me.
Like the lyrics of one of my favorites songs right now says:
"When I was broken
You were my healing
Now Your love is the air that I'm breathing
I have a future
My eyes are open
'Cause when you called my name
I ran out of that grave
Out of the darkness
Into Your glorious day
You called my name
And I ran out of that grave
Out of the darkness
Into Your glorious day”**
I pray that you don't fear being real like I did. I pray that we don't hide anymore. I pray that we don't act as the pharisees anymore, so worried about how we look and so little worried about how our hearts are.
Anything good you see in me is a work of my savior.
Being broken was a miracle because I could find my healing. I pray that if you are reading this and by any chance you feel like me. Following God, but far from him. Demotivated. I pray that this brings you to your senses and drives you to the love that's being calling you all along. It's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to fail. Again, I am not giving you an excuse to do that I am letting you know that you need a savior and you won't make in your own efforts.
If you read this so far I am open to answer any questions you might have about my story and God, please feel free to message me if you need any help. You can comment here, you can find my social media here on the blog, you can email me at anacarolinaurel@gmail.com. Let's work on love, let's work on healing. Let's not grow in resentment, but in love for God and others.
David was no kidding when he wrote "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin." Psalm 32:3-5.
It works. You should try it.
I am happier nowadays because of my relationship with the Father. I am happier because His grace is something greater than I can understand. I am happier because even though I go through hard times I feel God is right here with me. I am happier because I've received a lot of miracles, but the biggest one of them was God healing me.
No nice pictures today. Today is about being real.
PS: I took this picture in a day that Rebeca asked me how I was feeling and I sent to her to say NOT OKAY.
*Book: The Return of The Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming by Henry J.M. Nouwen
**Song: Glorious Day by Passion
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