At first the article about Brazil was going to be called the Brazil miracle. I was going to write about how everything happened in an amazing way for my trip to happen. Like God given me the days I wanted and the tickets I wanted. These are great stories and maybe I will write them someday, but something more important happened in Brazil, so this article changed to something else, something more important at my view. Along the way we are going to see why my trip to Brazil is called the Miracle of Changing.
As always I am going to introduce to you a feature of who I am or was that makes the difference on the story. Today is about changes! I always hated changes. I know hate is a strong word, but I very much disliked them, from small ones to big ones. I am going to give you some examples to set the ground. When I was a kid and my mom used to move the furniture around the house that made me annoyed, if on Saturdays we would eat pasta but one Saturday the menu changed I would be upset and not even enjoy the food. I am for real on this. I really liked predictable things.
When I moved out for college what a nightmare it was. In the beginning everything was new and I must have cried almost every day on the first six months. I hated the changes on my life. I kept imagining the day I was going back home. However, after five years living away was the predictable thing so moving back home was also hard. Every change would scare me or upset me. Change was a hard subject for me and I am summing this up here because the focus of this writing is not the past, but I think context is important.
Anyways before coming to the US I read a book and one of the chapters was about the Unchangeable God. That chapter said that when we don't want things to change we are trying to put on things a feature that only belongs to God (ouch!).
Fasting forward the story I didn't come to the US and suddenly enjoy every change in my life. Well, quite the opposite I almost didn't come because I was afraid of the change. However, my life back in Tupã had changed so much in the year previous my arrival here that I was just like: Oh well, let's just change the scenery of the misery. (Drama queen here, remember?).
When I think about my life here all I did was change. I changed in so many areas. I am changing all the time and in a good way. So, I was kind of nervous how this new Carol would do versus the "old Carol" back in Brazil.
First week I stayed at my brother's house to hang out with Tito (my nephew and the most amazing thing on Earth.). I think this was the most emotional week there for me because I knew I was not staying long and departing from the baby would be so sad. The apartment was different from the last time I was there, Thais and João were different from the last time I was there, Tito didn't exist the last time I was there. You see, nothing was the same over there, but it was better. There is a change in this house that can never be undone. We are never getting back to that place before and you know what that's so good because now we have Tito. Now João and Thais are parents. There is a new part of our family. It's changing and it's good.
I was crying almost every day at bed before going to sleep thinking how much I wanted to stay right there with the baby and living that life.
Yet, that life was an illusion. Even if I stayed in Brazil I wouldn't be hanging out with Tito every day, getting to sleep in and just relaxing. I wish I could, but I know that life wouldn't be like that. That's when God brought to my mind to think about everything that is true.
“…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Phil 4:8
Sometimes I suffer for lies that I put in my head and I can miss out of right now just because I was wondering of what could be. So then I enjoyed more being there on those simple days, I hugged my nephew when I could and I remembered the truths. God is good all the time. He was giving me that moment over there and wishing for more, wishing for something else was showing the ingratitude of my heart.
My brother's family changed and it is beautiful. They have a new member. They are different people and I can see God working in all of them. Thais and João I am so glad I got to watch you guys become parents and I got to meet this little guy. God is so good to us. Quoting João here, but being all true in my heart I see grace looking at you guys and it's wonderful. You've changed, it's beautiful and it is a miracle.
Moving on to going back to my hometown, there is a lot to tell. And I met a lot of people so I will highlight some stories because well I don't want this to be massive long that people won't read. Maybe I can make The Miracle of Changing - Part 2! HAHA
One of the reasons that I went to Brazil specifically on this date was to be at Barbara's wedding. Barbara is one of my best friends back in Brazil and I was supposed to be bridesmaids. Barbara was there for me when I got my heart broken, when my brother had to leave, when my mom almost died and well she was there for me through a lot. I watched her go through college, in her relationship with her now husband, her being a daughter and granddaughter when things got hard. When I left Brazil Barbara was still in college, she wasn't engaged and we used to hang out a lot because we had the time.
Coming back, Barbara was different she is now a wife, she now has a house to take care of, she has a husband. She changed and her life will never come back to the way it was before. Carol who didn't like changes would think "my friend won't have time for me anymore (Selfish me.) However, you know what I saw now? A more mature Barbara, a person who is searching God and is independent and now has her own family.
Everything in life is about how you look at things. The situation just reveals what is in your heart.
I was so happy I didn't miss this moment in her life. I am so happy I can watch her grow. I am so honored to be part of that moment. I can't wait to see what God has in storage for them. They've grown so much. They are maturing from the teenagers that I met to these amazing grown-ups with responsibilities. They've changed and it is beautiful. It is a miracle!
My best friend back home is called Bia. Bia and I are very much alike. We like a lot of the same things. We agree with a lot of stuff and I don't think we ever had a bad argument. We used to be not very open about our lives and we shared a lot of the same fears. Coming here I've changed and Bia would always tell me that. I became more open. I know there is a long way in being more approachable, but even this blog is something I would never do years ago. I would never openly talk about my sins.
I am not going to lie I was kind of nervous with my re-encounter with Bia. We've been disagreeing in views of stuff on some of our phone calls. So, I was just like what will happen?
What happened is that Bia also changed. When I left she was very scared of everything, very anxious and much more stressful. This time around, she looked happier, she looked more relaxed. Her trust in God built stronger. Her way of seeing life got different and that was amazing. She thought I was different too, but that didn't make her love me less. What is funny for me to see is that God changed us in the same areas using different situations. Our fears, our hopes, our desires changed. Even our taste changed, we both like sushi now and we used to hate. I told Bia I was going to write about this so she got in person the things I saw from her.
God changed her and it was beautiful. I am so amazed to see how much she has grown in trusting God. How she is opening up step by step. Bia changed, but we still got to do what we liked together, we still love each other and I miss her, but changing it's beautiful and it is a miracle.
Another one of my friends is Raquel. I wish I could have spent more time with her. When I left she was single and she had a lot going on. One of the things about Raquel is that she does the possible and impossible to be there for her friends. Raquel used to be really easy to stress as well.
Seeing Raquel this time, first thing I want to say is that she looks so pretty! I told her this a lot. Her face changed. She looks calmer and in some ways she looks sadder. However, I know God has been working a lot on her and she is struggling a lot with what is happening in her life. Oh and big news, she is planning her wedding now! Which makes me very happy because we could talk about our weddings all night long. We've always dreamed about this day. I couldn't be happier that you've found someone who loves you and most importantly loves God. About Raquel, I want to say how much I admire how strong she became, how she is learning to be content, how even life is hard God is greater. I am so proud of Rachel. God is watching you and everything is going to be okay! You've changed and it's beautiful and it is a miracle.
Finally, I want to talk about being back at my house. For starters, nothing looks the same. Seriously my mom renewed the house and everything is different. My mom also got a new dog.
My old room doesn't look the same and I couldn't even find a spoon in the kitchen. I couldn't find my stuff and the Carol that doesn't like changes got a little annoyed, but that's when the Carol who changed kicked in. Bro, my mom wanted to renew the house since I can remember and she finally got the chance too. She is so happy and that makes me happy for her. That's another thing I've learned how to do. Looking in the situation through other people's eyes, not how the situation affects me only, but how affects them.
For a while being there I felt like walking in another person's life. I've grown very different from that Carol, but in a good way. I got the chance to hang out with my dad and looking at him with mercy, so I just enjoyed. Not be the Carol who worries all the time. Even though Dad's situation didn't change much it was great to be with him and just love him. We watched some football, went out to eat pastel, talked like the very old times and that was beautiful and it is a miracle.
My mom looks happier. She wants to do more stuff for herself. She looks prettier. Well and she still loves to give me a lot of gifts and going out to eat with me. We had our tough times in this trip because we don't agree in a bunch of things, but God spoke to me that no matter what she loves me and I love her. She changed, it's beautiful and it is a miracle.
I've changed. My way of looking at things changed. My view of Brazil changed. That's why I don't refer Brazil as home, not because I already know the future, but because I know where I am standing with God. So anywhere can be home. I changed so much that I even like changes now. One of the things that made me hate changes in the past was the fear of the unknown, but I've seen the miracles of the unknown. I cannot control the future or things, thank God. I can rest because He can and He does a much better job than I do.
Changing is beautiful and is a miracle. Real change in our hearts can only be made by the creator and I am very grateful that He keeps molding me.
In conclusion, I want to say that sometimes we get so got up in what we want, in our fantasies for life, in what we expect from people that we miss the beautiful now. We miss the small steps of the amazing things God is doing every day. Let me tell you, all these things I said before didn't happen overnight, growth and changing is a process and if we look at it with the right view we are going to enjoy an incredible ride with God.
To all my people in Brazil who've been part of this story today. Thank you for teaching me so much on these days. I love you and I miss you every day, but I understand that my process for now is elsewhere and it is fine. It is changing, it is beautiful and it is a miracle.
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