“Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”
Matthew 6:27
August 14th 2020 would be the last day of my exchange program. The Au Pair program lasts two years. There was never before more time given to Au Pairs than two years on the program. Wanting to stay or not by the time the clock strikes two years your program ends. You can find other visas to stay that would cost you a lot of money, a necessity to go back to school in one of the most common visa applications, maybe a tourist visa and whatever.
I wanted more time. I badly wanted more time. I wanted to stay. I knew I wanted more time even before COViD and with COVID things only got worse. I was “wasting” my whole second year almost locked inside the house. Working, sleeping, repeat. That was not fair, was it?
Even before COVID I was praying that God would do a miracle and I would have more time. More time to find out what I want, more time here. I wanted more.
I knew there were some doors I could walk in like applying to go to college or figuring it out as a tourist maybe for a while, but all of those didn’t seem right to me at that time. What was the point of spending that amount of money? Or submitting myself to stuff I didn’t want to do? Or even to people who were not treating me right already just to stay?
I needed a miracle, but I didn’t even know what it was. I wanted to stay for me and I wanted time.
For so long in my process mentors and friends would tell me that God could do the impossible and I just needed faith. As simple as that I just needed faith. And I thought I had faith, but nothing was happening. I was praying and praying every day for a miracle. A light. A smoke sign. A voice from heaven. And there was just silence for a long time. To me as a drama queen it felt like a forever silence.
Two articles from my blog I wrote thinking about wanting to stay and having no answers. I didn’t say that directly on those articles because I was waiting for the ending and I got a partial ending now so I will clarify a few things that were left in the air on my previous posts.
Like I said before everyone would tell me that if I only had faith God would open a door for me and on January after a fasting season I got an offer. I thought the offer to stay with some help was going to fulfill me. I thought that the offer was everything that I was waiting for and I was finally going to have peace because I would have a solution. I was wrong.
When I got the offer to stay being helped and on other people’s terms I felt shaken in my spirit that was not the answer. That was the “easy” way out that at the end of the day would be a harder path. However, it was right there at the tip of my fingers I just needed to grab it. Why couldn’t I just grab it? If I said yes I was going to have what I wanted. I would get to stay legally and wouldn’t have to spend every little bit of money that I’ve been raising my whole life, but that didn’t sound right. That didn’t seem like what God wanted. It seemed like a trap. The yes was a trap. So I had to say no, but the no would throw me into the unknown. How would I make it without that help? There was the possible factor. The only door that was reasonable. What was I going to do now?
When I made the switch in my head and heart that I was not going to take the offer I got into desperate mode. How am I going to stay now? In a legal way? Again and again people told me I needed faith. I thought I had faith, but apparently I didn’t. I was anxious. I didn’t truly trust God, because I was living in despair. The thought of not making it was keeping me awake at night. And then, COVID happened which made everything three times worse. Everything shut down. The economy changed. My money saved in Brazil became less valued compared to dollars. I felt that every back up plan that I had God was taking away from me. And He was because He wanted me to trust His plan for once. He wanted me to see I never needed to worry so much and plan the plan a, b, c and the whole alphabet. He was powerful enough to come up with a new letter which He did and you are going to read on this story, but I didn’t know back then so I struggled. Oh my how did I struggled. I exhausted myself thinking of hows. Everyone around me was helping me think and pray, but nothing sounded good. Nothing sound like it was going to work out. And at the end of the day I was going to end up doing what I didn’t want that was to go back.
During quarantine I had a bunch of moments that I wanted to simply pack my bags and give up. There was a Sunday night I told my brother I just couldn’t do this anymore and I was booking a flight and leaving to Brazil. I was so inconsistent. At the same time I was exhausting myself trying to figure out ways to stay I couldn’t handle my own present suffer caused because of COVID and living at my job. Au Pairs will know how hard this season was. I talked to Juan and Marcella that day too. They both helped me think through my situation. We all prayed and I am not joking when I say a miracle happened and my routine got better. It truly did, but I still had my staying problem.
I start to adjust to quarantine even if my adjustment was working and sleeping. Walking and crying on weekends. I was adjusting. I was studying the Bible meanwhile and trying to have hope.
God started to bother me about another unfinished situation that I had during quarantine, but I was ignoring it. I didn’t want to go through that pain anymore.
I prayed so many times that God would heal me from it or give it back to me. There was silence still for almost nine months. There was silence. I had two problems shaking my heart and no solution. What was I going to do? (The thing is I didn’t do anything. God did. However, I was still trying to do it on my own.)
After so many devotionals and crying prayers one day I did a devotional about praying for your elephants that was basically helping you to pray for things that seem impossible to happen. That day the devotional said we should pray like we believe God is going to do. We should pray with faith and we should believe in God’s deliverance. I was not praying like that. In my heart I was praying for a miracle, but I was still trying to scheme my own way because I couldn’t believe that God would simple open the Red Sea. I had to at least work something out for Him to bless me. However, that devotional touched my heart and that night I prayed. I prayed like I believed God was going to deliver to me.
I said God I don’t know how you are going to do it, but You are going to give me more time here. I don’t know how, but here is the faith. I want to believe that you can create another letter on the alphabet and make me stay. And God about the other problem I am not praying for you to heal me away from it anymore. I am praying and believing that You are going to give it back to me. I believe it God. I am delighting in You and I believe it.
I told Rebeca that I was happy and I was believing in God’s miracle.
I also prayed for God to have mercy on me and send me a loud and clear sign about what I prayed for. And I waited. I didn’t have to wait for long this time and it was certainly not the sign I wanted.
I made that prayer between God and me. The only person that knew what I asked God was Rebeca. The next day I got a phone call from a friend and I knew that was my sign. Unfortunately, it was not yes for either one of my requests. We talked and I felt that God was answering me no.
Ouch. I thought I just needed the faith. (Silly Carol trying to make God work for her like if she could get all the parts of the puzzle right He would do whatever she wanted.)
I got into a loop of I can’t believe this. I can’t believe it God. Why? Why are you doing this? And I wanted God to speak to me and confirm what I thought I understood. Which is funny.
Christina, my good friend told me if I was asking for a sign when I got my answer I shouldn’t doubt it. At the day I got the sign I knew I shouldn’t have doubted the answer. However, I wanted to because I didn’t like the answer.
I waited for God to say something else or for Him to make me happy about it.
He wanted me to dream His dreams for me, so I prayed He would conform my heart to His will. Months after now I know He did, but boy it wasn’t easy.
I would come to my room and pray at night waiting for God to speak to me. I opened my heart and cried. I pour out my heart to God and I waited. I was mad though. I am not going to lie. I was praying and very upset. I wanted what I wanted and because I wasn’t having it I lost my cool. One day, talking to Christina she told me that maybe God was doing the same thing with me that He did with Abraham. He was asking me for my Isaac to know where my heart was. That changed everything. He asked my Isaac and I failing miserably. That’s when I had the Mirror Experience (https://carolurel.wixsite.com/blog/post/the-mirror-experience) that you can read right here at the blog. I saw myself as I spoiled little kid. It was time for change. It was time for surrender.
I had an angry phase and then a depressed phase. I sought for guidance and help. I cried and cried. And cried a little bit more. The struggle was very real to me. I’ve never felt so close to God either. It was Him and me. There was no one else. I wanted to hear with no interference. There was too much noise. Too many people giving me opinions of what I should do. I just wanted everyone to stop and calm down. So I could listen. At some point my despair started to change from madness to acceptance and I got to know God in a different way. And I finally started to hear God say something like just a little bit more Carol. Just hold on a little bit more. To what I was holding on I had no idea, but this time around finally I was trusting God. By May, I wasn’t happy, but I was planning my move back already. It is what it is. One of the times I was praying I asked God why He was taking my dream away. I felt like He was answering me in something like “you are funny Carol. You are definitely funny. Remember when I sent you to New York and you got mad because you wanted to go to Cali? Remember when I sent you the friends and the church? Remember when I made New York your favorite place to be? Because this wasn’t your dream. Your dream was supposed to be on the other coast remember? This was my dream for you. So I need you to chill.” Ops.
See?! God always had it better. So it might happened to be that going back was the best this time. He has been faithful.
Everyone was telling me not to give up. People were helping with ideas. I just didn’t want hope anymore.
One day, a friend told me that God told her to tell me that God could do in a day what He didn’t do in 14 months. She was not familiar with any of the current situation I was living. She told me that God told her that I needed to rest. And I think I was starting to let go.
When I made commands with going back I had to solve the other problem. I needed closure. Oh well, that’s what I thought.
God was bothering me about it for a while, with people and other stuff so I needed to do something about that, but I was afraid. I was afraid if I did what He was asking me to do I was going to hurt more. However, I couldn’t just leave without saying anything. Christina told me to do what I knew God was telling me to do and to not marry any outcomes. I was trying not to marry any outcome, but I kind of did. I kind of expected that I was getting more no’s. And honestly at that time I was okay with that. Okay in a sense that I was ready to face my pain and eventually move on.
Thing is when I pulled the trigger and did what I was so afraid of doing. Things went good. Things became better. Which is crazy for me to think. A call changed things and mended pieces of two broken hearts; but that, that’s another story, for another time.
After things with the other problem felt better and I was accepting things better. I was even believing that I was able to give up my Isaac and God started to show me other ways. I got into so beautiful of a relationship with Him that I could feel that His no was not a real no. It was a move for me. He knew I needed to move.
I was listening to the song called “Echoes” by Hillsong United and God used part of the lyrics to speak to me.
“‘Cause we belong to the light
When the night is at its darkest
Just hold on for the dawn will soon arrive
Can you feel the winds are changing
There's a new day on the rise
And the atmosphere is breaking
As the new world comes to life
We will sing
We will dance
'Til the Earth echoes the heavens
Sing His praise
'Til we see the other side
I've got a feeling
The darkness won't last very long”
God let me know that my darkness was not going to last long. I couldn’t tell how things were going to change, but I knew they would. God wanted me to delight in Him until I could see the other side. I needed to sing and praise here in the midst. Here in the heartache, because the highland was about to come.
On May 25th 2020 my own personal miracle happened. The winds changed and I can’t still believe it how God worked things out. Remember when I said I had a plan from A to Z, but God might create another letter? He did. On May 25th, for the first time in the Au Pair program history because of the COVID pandemic second year Au Pairs could apply for a 6 month extension. MORE TIME. More legal, “easy”, miraculous time. It happened for me. It happened to me and a bunch of other girls. However, I felt like God told me: “See, I got you Carol. I always did. You worried too much and I am glad you learned how to rest. Here are all the blessings you asked for. I love you Carol. I changed the human law for you to get more time. Enjoy Carol. I told you you just needed to hold on a little bit more.”
So my exchange program today ends in February 13th 2021. Isn’t it crazy? Isn’t it unbelievable? Isn’t it God’s miracle?
So I am one of the blessed few that gets a 2 and a half year program. Even though it’s hard and many times I want to give up. I can’t thank God enough for this blessing and everything He taught me through this.
I learned how selfish and self centered I was during this. Always worried about me, me and me. During my suffering I’ve read a CS Lewis quote that says “I'm not sure God wants us to be happy. I think he wants us to love, and be loved. But we are like children, thinking our toys will make us happy and the whole world is our nursery. Something must drive us out of that nursery and into the lives of others, and that something is suffering.”
I got to see some necessities of people around me much more clear and come out of my nursery. I am still in a long haul towards it, but I cannot sit down anymore thinking about only what’s best for me.
God taught me in that season to pray what is the best for the kingdom. I prayed and asked how could I serve the kingdom better. How could I bless people more. I wanted to dream His dreams even when I felt my dreams were crushing. God showed up big time. And not only did He give to me the two things I asked, but He gave me the fulfillment and happiness of a better relationship with Him and more love for others. The struggle was real and so was God.
And even if He didn’t do the miracles He was still good, still faithful and I would stand with Him. He made it all and He makes my dreams come true. Most of all He saved me from condemnation and from myself.
And I, I am so thankful for God and for my miracles. Six months extension and for Chris. (The other “problem”. Which part I will tell in another story.)
The Bible verse that says “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalms 37:4, made complete sense to me. When He was my delight and He was my dreams He showed me what He had for me. And that, that’s a miracle.
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